This past November marks 8 years of being free from the cult that controlled my teenage and young adult years. I keep thinking that every year I put between myself and the horrible reality that I was living, the less it will hurt and the less I will think about it. I've been out now almost as long as I was in the cult, but let me tell you, the hurt doesn't stop, the memories are still there... The brain is an amazing thing. When exposed to too much trauma, instead of saving those memories in the "memory bank" per se, the brain will "wall off" those memories, for its own good. However, sometimes those memories can be brought back to life when faced with similar circumstances, and every time I think I'm past Falls and all that trauma, something else surfaces that brings the memories all back and I know for a FACT that I'm not making stories up or taking things out of context. My body remembers the trauma, my brain still shuts off when I'm confronted by a male in any form of leadership or authority, I still have trouble making my own decisions, and my heart still drops to my stomach when walk by street preachers, Baptist churches, women wearing long skirts or people stopping you in the streets to try to witness to you.
I'm getting a little off track here, but my point of this post is to say, there are STILL survivors who are surfacing, there are still people that need to make the decision to walk away, and there is still hope for a happy future away from the hypocrisy and spiritual depression that is taught in every IFB cult. I mentioned in my last post that I have just seen some interviews of some survivors of the Hephziba House in Indiana (if you haven't heard of it, go look it up, it's horrifying), and one of the girls kept saying they were always told "you will never be good enough, that's the point". I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to live up to a standard that I will never be good enough to reach. That was always one of mu crushing thoughts when I was in the church, the fact that I will never be good enough and no matter what I do I will always be punished for something, always be found at fault for something, and never good enough to stop worrying about disappointing people and most of all God. Since leaving the church I have found that I AM good enough, and THERE IS happiness outside the church, and you don't have to rely on others' opinion or thoughts of you to be happy. The critic in my last post said something that made me chuckle a little. They said "the "freedom" Sarah found is not freedom in Christ or in His will, but rather freedom in oneself: expressing self and pleasing self apart from any true desire to please God and submit to Him" and I thought, YES! After 10 years of living in a crushing, self-sacrificing cult I can finally say I am happy with myself. I no longer limit my happiness to other's opinions of me, including the image of a revengeful and punishing god that the Baptists make you believe in. So to those who are on the brink of leaving or have just left an abusive cult or church, there IS happiness outside the church, and that happiness starts with you. You can't find peace in the world until you find peace with yourself (I actually wrote a poem about that while I was still in the cult, you can find that poem here ), so yes, I 100% advocate for freedom in oneself. I know so many of my classmates from Falls that have walked away from the cult, each in their own way but all of them finding peace and happiness after walking away. Today I learned of someone else who had the courage to walk away, and I literally had tears in my eyes when I heard the news and learned of all the traumatic things this person went through even since I've been gone. It takes such courage to walk away from a cult that literally inhibits you from ever being successful in the "outside world". If it wasn't for the people I met and the relationships I've had after walking away I don't know how I would've survived (and if anyone is reading this and needs tips or help, use the "contact me" button and drop me a line, anonymous or not). Things like being self-sufficient, making your own money, being able to do taxes and hold a job, how to get experience FOR A JOB that we were never conditioned for, and everything else that most normal people would take for granted. I applaud every one of you (siblings included) who has walked away despite the hardships and despite having to start back at square one. I will be your biggest cheerleader, I will offer my support and worldly wisdom I have gained in these 8 years post-cult to anyone who needs it. I am so proud to know so many strong, determined people who are now taking control of their lives, but don't stop there! There is always someone else to help out of the fire (I know I have a few on my list). All of this to say, there are still survivors that are surfacing and even now, as tears are welling up in my eyes thinking of all the trauma and abuse people are walking away from, I know there's hope for so many more!
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AuthorCanadian born and raised, I am an independent spirit that has always longed for freedom. I have experienced a lot of contrasting things over the years, and finally now have the courage to write it down. Categories |